[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
This line from Airplane.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Meme Monday.
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*