[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.