[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“i am a sweet baby”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign