[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My flabber has been gasted.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
🙋♀️
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I can’t wait!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry