[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Hey I worked for it too!
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test