Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?