[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
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congratulations to them
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs