[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Who’s your best friend?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
become ungovernable
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?