Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
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“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Happy Star Wars day!
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
This is my favorite one of these!
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
