Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
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[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
It’s his time
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it