forgive me baja for i have blast
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
it’s the silliest best thing
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]