Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s