forgive me baja for i have blast
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
