The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point