@funnybeachgirl

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

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@lwhit_the_boss

The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet

@mrjohndarby

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

@Jennarater

Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.

@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@FeelingEuphoric

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

@Social_Mime

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

@roxiqt

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

@mydanimarie

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point