“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶