Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
