Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!