Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor