Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”