Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

shazam but for random noises outside

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.