What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
what do we want
LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
when do we want them
Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.