“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”

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What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.


bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.


I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.


North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.


what do we want


when do we want them



Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.


i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it


The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.