@iGreenMonk

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”

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@SleazySli

What do you get when you cross a Centaur with a Minotaur? Cinnaminotaur. The most delicious of all mythological creatures.

@tigersgoroooar

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

@Dawn_M_

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@specialhug

what do we want

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

when do we want them

NNNNEEOOOW

@PimpleEye

Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.

@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.