HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
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DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”