Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
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“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
#parenting
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
OKAY DAD
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.