Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

My whole life was a lie.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!