Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
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There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait