Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?