Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.