Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
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Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*