Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

CUTE CAT‼︎

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB