Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.