Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

That’s amazing.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

This will never not be funny 😭

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.