Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.