Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Me too

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends