Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.

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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang


My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes


Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger


my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life


i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM


We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.


I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.


My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today