@ryaninco

Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.

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@NicestHippo

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

@megsaystweet

My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes

@Tbone7219

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

@Lubchansky

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

@1evilidiot

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

@northcoastkevin

I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.

@Jarhead44

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today