Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Never forget.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in