Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags