Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..