Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
HERE’S MARKY
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.