Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?