Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost