Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
You Might Also Like
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.