Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Match dot com, but for socks.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t