Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
A little too much information.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point