@theshamingofjay

Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.

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@unbub_

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

@LLBadge

My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@nachdermas

my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter

@AudreyPorne

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

@Rikidus

Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.

@puntmedaddy

I PASSED THE BAR!!!!

Imma turn around tho, I actually really need a drink