This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again