Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
You Might Also Like
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff