Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
gm
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around