Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

☺️

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college