Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.