Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.