Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row