Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Who called it baking and not making love
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.