Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Kermit goes Blue.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage