I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
You Might Also Like
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.