At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.