Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?