Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.