Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

🏙👨🏼

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*