Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

This will never not be funny 😭

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.