Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.