Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Cool shirt 🙂
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.