Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back