Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
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The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.