Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
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MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.