Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
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Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Cheer up.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.