Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Wait a minute
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.