Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Sponch
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”