forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.