Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael