Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.