Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
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Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
The prophecy is fulfilled
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager