Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
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“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
moms in horror movies
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?