Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Grew big
