– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes