Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

If you’re thinking of having kids, please know that my 8 year old is currently sobbing because my 5 year old won’t let him talk to his pet balloon.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life