Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
You Might Also Like
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.